


Killing Me Softly

by Mouthfullawhitelies



Series: It Takes as Long as it Takes [1]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bitter, Cheating, Did I Mention Angst?, F/F, Falling In Love Again, Flashbacks, Heartbreak, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, hurtful sacrifaces
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-05-19 11:07:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5965030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mouthfullawhitelies/pseuds/Mouthfullawhitelies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I love you, Delphine, but I can't be with you if it hurts as much as it feels to love you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It Hurts.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm doing TWO stories at a time (Through Rose-Tinted Glass), and I know I shouldn't be doing that but I just can't help myself. I had an idea and got to sad about it to not write it down. I will TRY to update weekly--

\--

 

"Dear Delphine, 

 

 

> _I'm leaving._

 

I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry. I had wanted to do this in person but I was too much of a coward to walk away from what used to be my solace and safe haven, I'm too weak to leave you. But I'd rather be the one to leave first then see you walk away from me. I don't think I could have ever handled that. I can't look at you and not remember all the things we used to be, every single moment we've spent. I can't look at you and  _not remember._

 

I love you, Delphine, I still fucking love you so much. But I can't- I can't be with you if it hurts as much as it feels to love you. It hurt that one night when you had drunkenly shoved me into the nightstand. You apologized and I forgave you but the pain on the cut of my arm was nothing compared to loving you. 

 

It hurts every night when I look over at the empty side of the bed where you used to keep me warm and only feel the ghost presence of what used to be. It hurts whenever people say "congratulations" to me when they see the ring you gave me, but I don't feel flattered like I should, I don't feel lucky or happy. It even hurts to wear it when I know that you're not wearing yours. It's  _sad_ when I realized that I was used to it, all the pain and torture. I can't look at you now, without thinking about what we used to be or what we could've been.They say that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. But the sad truth is: I knew exactly what I had, I just never thought I'd lose it.

 

I want you to know that it pains me to write this, to know that I'm leaving behind the last four years of my life. It hurts me so much, more than it does you. 

 

Though it's probably too late to ask by now, but what happened? We loved each other and I know that as a fact, I know that from all my memories with you. At least, it had felt like it at the time... ~~do you still love me?~~ did you _even_ love me?

 

~~Was it all fake?~~

 

At some point you had to care at least once, right? I ~~loved~~ love you so much, but something happened to us, it had destroyed something beautiful. If it had been me,  _Delphine,_ I will never forgive myself, if it had been me that drifted us apart then I was practically committing suicide because I don't think I can endure any more damage to my heart.

 

Was there another person? Someone I know? What did you see in them that you couldn't find in me, because whatever it is I will search until the end of the earth to give to you with scraped knees and bruised feet.

 

We were a perfect match, perfect _somehow_ , until we weren't. I really thought you were the one for me. I tried to fight for us, I swear I did. I fought. With bared teeth and bruised knuckles, I went in and fought for us. The thing was, I couldn't do it all. I can't fight for the both of us. It's not worth it. Not worth losing my heart over, but I lost my heart to you a long time ago. I gave it to you and you broke it, destroyed it in every beautiful way possible.

 

I love you but I love me too, and by staying in this relationship I can't. I can't love me, because it basically mean self-destruction. If I stay, then I'd only hurt myself even more. But if I stay would you have tried to fight back? Is it worth it?

 

_Am I still worth it?_

 

Sometimes I look at you and I remember- "

 

\--

 

Tears dripped onto words, blurring the ink together.

 

My heavy sobs, inaudible to my own ears. Every sound, every noise in the world is blocked out, everything is gone until it's just me and the piece of paper, a stupid piece of paper to remind me of what I've lost,  _who_ I've lost. My vision blurred by my tears until I can't see anything anymore, unable to read. Really, it was an excuse to stop reading because I can't go on. I screamed into the void, though my scream was still inaudible to me, I screamed until my throat burned, until my voice stopped working. 

"I'm sorry..." I whispered as if she was here. I whispered as if she was going to forgive me, as if it was going to fix everything.  

 

"I'm sorry," I sob. My mind still processing the reality of this letter; the truth behind it, the painful, unforgiving truth. 

 

"I'm sorry. I'msorryI'msorryI'msorrysorrysorry..." I whispered, the tears hot on my cheeks as I get lost in my own world. A world similar to this one, a place that's dark and cold but not real enough to contain the painful facts of reality. A place that's quiet enough for me to remember what we used to be and could've been. 

 

An hour later, or what had felt like a lifetime, and I still sat there with a bottle of whiskey in my hand, trying to drown myself. It’s been like this. It’s always been like this, and I’m surprised that it hadn't happened sooner. Her leaving was bound to happen, I had been waiting for the inevitable. It was unavoidable, it was foreseen. I broke myself, and I don't deserve to be fixed. Not by her, I couldn't let her see me like this: broken and deigned to be fixed. She doesn't deserve this and I did nothing to deserve her.

 

Even though I knew she was going to walk out that door, it still hurts and that's where she was wrong in the letter. It kills me too. It hurts the both of us, but it destroys me more. 

 

 

_Ce qui nous est arrivé?_

 

_Je t'aime encore. Please forgive me._

 

 

 

 


	2. You used to be Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so here's a bit more into what happened before the whole mess.
> 
> Oh and every chapter will be started of by a section of Cosima's letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it took me forever to post this, it got deleted and I had to rewrite it which was frustrating... and I PROMISE you that I haven't abandoned "Through Rose-Tinted Glass". It's more than half-way done, just need a little editing. But here's a new chapter, so enjoy!

 

"Sometimes I look at you and remember that you used to be mine. I would remember all of the memories we shared together and of all the times we laughed. I remembered when you held me and we wouldn't speak.. we'd just look into each other's eyes, because if speaking would break the peace we had in that moment, I would forever be mute. I remember the way you'd make me smile even if I was feeling like shit, and now I look at you and think of the things that we once had. I've lost you a long time ago, now I can only wonder when you were ever mine to begin with..."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

COSIMA// 12:18 PM

 

The car engine started immediately after I got into the taxi. It didn't take that long to load my luggages into the trunk. I've always been a light packer, packing only a bag or two, even if it meant flying across the ocean and possibly not even returning. I've spent the past three hours saying good-bye. Alison was still shocked at my sudden departure even though I've told her days ago. Sarah was still angry, Felix was bitter, Helena was still confused at the reasoning behind my departure. It wasn't an easy decision. I never thought I, Cosima Niehaus, a creature of habit, would ever be leaving her home country just to restart in another. But I have to, this place is too much. Everything in this town reminds me of  _her._ She who took my heart, weighed it in her hands, played with it and never thought to give it back. Leaving behind an empty hole where beating should be. Hallow and barren, there are only light echoes left of the past drummings of my heart, that always played the loudest whenever  _she_  wasaround. But the time came when the hole became unbearable and I had to fill it with cement, especially when I wrote that letter. But even with the hardened mold, like my stupid, weak, fragile heart that it is, it broke. It shattered into a million little pieces as I wrote that letter, but I meant every word on it. Hopefully she will find it, hopefully she'll understand. It's been a week since I've seen her, a week since she's returned to our house.

 _An entire week for me to realize that we've both given up_. But where is she? Is she okay? I have no idea where she is right now. Will she miss-  _No._ If I think about her then I will never make my flight, never even get on my plane. I am one painful thought away from telling the taxi driver to turn the car around. But I can't have that; I _need_  to leave. 

The taxi drove passed all my childhood memories, all the neighbors I used to prank, all the houses Sarah and I used to teepee. The driver turned around the corner and there it was, the small coffee shop, busy in all of its pink glory. I stared at it as it threatened to pour out all of my memories like secrets, to haunt me with regret. 

"Stop the car!" I yelled and the driver slammed into the brakes hard, clearly annoyed at my sudden outburst. "Sorry." I winced at his troubles.

I stepped onto the pavement, letting all the memories wash over me, overtaking me. 

This was the exact spot where I first met Delphine Cormier. The one who took my heart and never gave it back. The one who used to be mine.

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

_It was a warm, sunny day in the middle of their first summer after graduation. Cosima had the day off, so they had decided to meet for lunch at the café, Bubbles, where Alison was working. Sarah was late, as usual, because Felix needed her help with something. Cosima was sitting at one of the more secluded tables on the far end of the outdoor seating area so that she could bask in the afternoon sun with minimal distraction while she waited._

_Cosima put her sunglasses on and leaned her head back to catch as much of the summer sun as she could, smiling as the warm rays hit her face. She kept her eyes opened despite the sun in the periphery of her vision in order to gaze at the shapes of the clouds as they drift in the blue sky, the forms they take and what they are perceived to be in other people's eyes. When she finally looked down again, her vision was filled bright orange blots that later turned into bright halos around everything._

_And that’s when she saw her._

_She was sitting at one of the tables closer to the café doors, with her back to the fountain, facing Cosima. She was deeply engrossed in a book, biting on her lips, paying little mind to the world around her._

_Cosima slowly took off her sunglasses and tried to focus her eyes. The halos were still there, but they seemed to perfectly frame the girl’s face, giving her an almost ethereal glow. Even from the distance, Cosima could still make out high cheekbones, a freckled nose, and a slender, elegant neck._ All very kissable features _, Clarke thought to herself. She had also never even realized that ears could be adorable until she saw hers. The girl’s golden, wavy hair was loosely held up with a pin and a pencil in a messy bun behind her head, revealing prominent collarbones._ Also kissable. _A loose tendril of blonde hair dangled over the right side of her face._

_Cosima shook her head to try to clear her vision, without much luck, so she just resigned herself to staring at this mystery girl, slowly taking in more and more details of her features as her vision returned to normal. The girl didn’t look up from her book once in the several minutes it took before Sarah finally arrived._

_“Hey, sorry I’m late.” Sarah sat down in front of Cosima, directly in her line of sight to the girl. “Felix needed help with one of his horny 'client'. Nothing scares men more than an angry, loud Brit . . .” Her voice trailed off as she realized that her sister was not paying attention to her but instead just staring at something behind her. She waved her hands in front of Cosima's face, “Hello? Anyone there?”_

_Cosima finally snapped out of her daze and finally looked at Sarah._

_“Were you even listening to anything I said?” Sarah asked._

_“Yes, yes,_ I _was listening. Felix, horny, stalker boyfriend, angry Brit.”_

_Sarah gave her an annoyed and suspicious look before turning around to look behind her. She scanned the area until her sight finally landed on the girl. “Shite... I see.” She turned back to Cosima with a knowing look and smirked. “You had much better things to pay attention to. Or rather, one thing in particular.”_

_Cosima’s cheeks reddened as she was caught in her ogling. “Shut up,” she said. But she didn’t bother denying it. She would tell Sarah everything anyways._

_“And let you continue to drool all over our food? No way. She’s cute. Just go talk to her,” Her sister suggested._

_“Really? You think so?”_

_“Yeah, why not? What’s the worst that can happen? It’s not like you haven’t approached girls before. I don’t praise you too often, Niehaus, but even I will admit that you have game.”_

_“I don’t know. She’s . . . different. I don’t think my usual lines are going to work on her.”_

_“Okay, not to burst your bubble or anything, but you do know that you don’t get girls because of your crappy pick up lines, right? You get them because you’re fucking cute, Niehaus. And incredibly lovable.”_

_“”Thanks. It's about time you admit that." Cosima said, with her usual smug look on her face._

_“Don't be too sure of yourself now that I gave you ONE compliment. Just go.” Sarah groaned, already regretting her little pep talk with her sister._

_“Okay. Wish me luck.” Cosima stood up and took a deep breath to steel herself._

_She started to make her way to the blonde beauty._

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

DELPHINE// 5:34 PM

 

After hours of drowning myself in bottles of alcohol, I still couldn't bare myself to move. So there I was, after hours, still splayed out uselessly on the wooden floor with the letter clutched in one hand. Just as I was about to take another swing from the bottle, Danielle, the loyal friend that she is, came in, almost kicking down the door.

"Delphine!" She screamed, pulling me up from the floor, "I've been trying to get a hold of you for the past 5 hours. I thought you died or something! Where the fuck is your phone?!" 

She snatched the bottle of Whiskey away from me and I yelled helplessly at her, _"Qu'est ce que tu crois faire!"_

 _"Tu es pathétique!"_ She yelled back before her face falls to sympathy again as she looked at my drunken stupor, at my pitiful state.

_She's right, I'm fucking pathetic._

"Get up." She simply says, as I was still lifeless on the floor. I couldn't move, still clutching at the piece of paper in my hands as if they were the last piece of my heart. She tried to lift me up with my arm around her shoulder and her hands around my waist. 

"Merde! When was the last time you took a bath?" She grimaced, "You reek of alcohol and  _perfume?"_

I snorted and scoffed at her, as she slowly helped me to the bathroom. 

When we reached the bathtub, she started to help me out of my clothes. "I can do it myself." I said stubbornly, as I yanked myself away from her. Danielle sighes and reaches for her phone, dialing for someone. 

"Who are you calling?" 

"Cosima. Since clearly you won't let me help." She continues dialing as I looked down at the letter:

_"Dear Delphine, I'm leaving..."_

 

"Don't." I growled. 

"And why the hell not? So I could watch you kill yourself? You need help, Del." I threw the piece of paper at her. 

"What is this?" She asks, her eyebrows furrowed. She read the piece of paper, as I witness her expression quickly change from one of annoyance to sympathy again. She looks at me with her with pitiful eyes as her hands shook, like mine did when I read the first two sentences. 

 _"Je suis vraiment désolé, Delphine."_ Her hands came to comfort as I snatched it out of her hands and fell down on the floor, sobbing. She kneels behind me and holds me, as I sobbed into her shoulders. 

 _"Ça va."_ She whispers.  _It's okay._

_"Je l'aime"_

"I know." 

_"Elle avait l'habitude d'être à moi."_

 

 

 

> _"She used to be mine."_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued...


	3. Promise me

 

 

 _"_ _You used to kiss me in every beautiful place we've been to. But now, I can't go back there without tasting you, like poison and blood, in my mouth. You destroyed me in every way possible, like I was that crack on the sidewalk that you walk on everyday. When I first met you, I honestly didn't think that you were going to be this important to me. I fell in love with you, but now I finally know why storms are named after people. Delphine... you really fucked me up."_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

"So how long?" Danielle asked, her eyes fixated on my hand. I follow her gaze to see the ring given to me on our wedding day. The band that supposed to seal all the vows and the promises and the I love you's with Cosima.  _Everything._ But I forced myself to break through my nostalgic train of thoughts.

 

"How long what?" I cleared my throat, moving my hand away to tousle my damp hair. The shower never felt so good. In there, I could cry without anyone seeing my sorrow and feeling my pain.

 

"How long will it have to take you to go back to her?" She says with a smirk directed at me. I sigh heavily as I collapse onto the couch besides her. 

 

"I- I don't think-" I stammered,  _"Non,_ this is what I want, what she wants. The least I could do after everything we've been through is respect that. Her leaving, it was inevitable." 

 

"But so are the both of you." She states, the matter-of-factly, "Ne mentez pas à vous-même, Delphine. Go find her." I shake my head, no. 

 

"I can't do that." I chuckled sadly. This was it, it was the end, there's no going back to what we used to be. I'm sorry Cosima. 

 

"Why? Is it because of your pride? Does your ego trump Cosima?" 

 

"No! What are you talking about? I lo-"

 

"Then go find her! As your best friend and sister: I love you, Delphine, I really do, but don't kid yourself. _Trouve-la_."  _Find her,_ she says as if it was as easy as it used to be. 

 

\---

 

_"Cosima, stop being petulant and answer my call right now!" Delphine demanded into the phone, after hearing her girlfriend's voice telling her to leave a fucking voicemail. Frustration and exasperation was shown in the obsessive way she ran her hands through her blonde curls. Worry written in her furrowed eyebrows, in the tension of her shoulders, the clench in her jaw._

 

_They had just gotten into a heated fight. It started when Cosima jokingly brought up the idea of marriage and Delphine brushed it off rather insensitively, scoffing and basically laughing in Cosima's face which then proved to be a mistake because when she turned to look at her lover's face, her heart broke. Delphine tried to explain herself before it was too late and Cosima was already out the door. It's been 5 hours now and she still hasn't returned. Everything Delphine called her, it sends her straight to voicemail. She called Sarah but all she was met with was animosity as always. Stressed and heavy-hearted, she sinks deeper into the leather couch. She closes her eyes and searches through her mind, of all the places Cosima would go to blow off some steam. Finally when it finally hit her, she grabbed her keys and sped out the door._

 

_10 minutes later, Delphine finds Cosima on the roof of the new bar they've discovered weeks ago. Slowly she approaches her lover, who is laying on her back with one arm draped on her forehead, her glasses dangling from her hand. Delphine just stands there silently, observing her girlfriend, trying to determine if she's sleeping or not and whether or not to disturb her peace. The tension between them is palpable in the cold, frosted air, palpable enough to cloud both of their minds with heavy thoughts. After a minute or two of watching her girlfriend's chest rise up and down, Delphine makes her presence known by walking closer to the woman._

 

_"Cosima..." She starts, unsure of what to say. She watches as her girlfriend gets up and twists her body around to look at her. Her eyes squints in the dark before putting on her glasses. Once she realises who the intruder was, she heaves out a breath._

 

_"Hey..." Cosima whispers shyly, also unsure of what to say. As Delphine began to open her mouth, she quickly interrupts, " Look. I- I'm sorry, I overreacted. I brought it up as a joke anyways... I know we're not ready for the next step yet. I just- I don't know... a little hurt? I mean, just because we're not ready now, doesn't mean I never want to be married with you-" This draws Delphine's attention, her eyes soften and moists when she hears Cosima's confession, "-Shit. No, I mean. Crap, I'm rambling. Oh god." She ducks her head and hides her face in embarrassment, giving Delphine the opportunity to approach her and kneel down to Cosima's level._

 

_"No no, Cosima, I'm the one who should be sorry. I didn't mean for my response to be insensitive, I am so sorry that it came off that way, I never meant to hurt your feelings and I rue being so careless and inconsiderate with them. And with the marriage situation-" She pulls Cosima's hands from her face and towards her chests, holding her by the wrists and she continues, "Cosima, I would love a future with you. I'd want nothing more. I guess I just haven't thought about the next stage in our relationship... I'm just so used to us and the way we are right now. We are basically married Cosima, can't you see that? We live together, we support each other, we work together- we are as domestic as it gets." Delphine laughs as Cosima gives off a small smile, she's still holding on to her hands._

 

_"To me, marriage is just label, a milestone. We basically constitute what comes after marriage, I have never saw the point in marriage and I just figured you did too since you rely more on practicality than traditional concepts. But if you think that I don't want to marry you, you're wrong... I just haven't thought about marriage yet. In my mind, we've already passed that stage. But if it's important to you, or if you have any interest in it at all, then yes, we should get married. Big wedding, small wedding- cherie, we'll do it all."_

 

_By the end, Cosima's cheeks are wet with tears. She lets out a quiet sniffle as she speaks, "I love you Delphine. I just want to do everything with you, I want a life with you. Officially, I want it written down somewhere- I don't care where; a document or a freaking post-it- that I will spend the rest of my life with you. I love you Delphine, and I'm sorry if I worried you while I was gone."_

 

" _You had no idea how worried I was when you disappeared._ _But you_ _had the perfect reason to, I was being insensitive. I'm sorry if I made you doubt, for a second, our future together."  Delphine brings their lips together into a deep kiss before wrapping her into her arms._

 

 _"Please don't ever scare me like that ever again. I've found you now but I fear that what if-" she rambles shakily, her eyes glistened as she looked into Cosima's warm hazels, "what if one day, I do something so terrible that it will make you run away and not want to return to me... to us. I fear that I will not be able to find you._ _I- I can't have that."_

 

_"I'm sorry," Cosima mumbles in the crook of her neck as they continue to sit there in their position, Delphine holding Cosima closely as if she was going to disappear again._

 

_The quiet soon enveloped them underneath the night sky. The white noise of the rain water dripping from the pipes into a tin bucket, the cadence of the slow drops matches the rhythm to which Delphine's heart beats to._

 

_Delphine finally breaks away when a breeze flew by. She slowly pulls away from Cosima to look at her before gently brushing back a baby hair from her lover's face._

 

_Then gently, she spoke, "Promise me you won't run away again. Promise that when times gets hard, we never run away from each other."_

_._

.

_._

 

_"I promise."_

 

 

\--

 

 

How easy it was back then. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little did they know that they both will soon break that promise.

**Author's Note:**

> So here's a start... I PROMISE that it will get better, plot and writing-wise. The next few chapters will explain what happened to them.


End file.
